This Grudge

"This Grudge"

Fourteen years Thirty minutes

Fifteen seconds I'veHeld this grudge

Eleven songsFour full journals

Thoughts of punishmentI've expended

Not in contact Not a letter

Such communication Telepathic

You've been vilified

Used as fodder

You deserve a piece Of every record

But who's it hurting now?

Who's the one that's stuck?

Who's it torturing now With an antique knot in her stomach?

I want to be big and let go

Of this grudge that's grown old

All this time I've not known How to rest this bygone

I wanna be soft and resolved

Clean of slate and released

I wanna forgive for the both of us

Like an abandoned house

Dusty covered Furniture Still in tact

If I visit it now Will I simply re-live it

Somehow gratuitous

But who's still aching now?

Who's tired of her own voice?

Who is it weighing down With no gift from time of said healing

I want to be big and let go Of this grudge that's grown old

All this time I've not known How to rest this bygone

I wanna be soft and resolved Clean of slate and released

I wanna forgive for the both of us

Maybe as I cut the cord

Veils will lift from my eyes

Maybe as I lay this to rest Dead weight off my shoulders will rise

Here I sit Much determined

Ever ill-equipped To draw this curtain

How this has entertained Validated And has served me well Ever the victim

But who's done whining now?

Who's ready to put down This load I've carried longer than I had cared to remember

I want to be big and let go Of this grudge that's grown old

For the life of me I've not known How to rest this bygone

I wanna be soft and resolvedClean of slate and released

I wanna forgive for the both of us.

AM