Monday, July 21, 2008

Oprah Moment (Saying Goodbye)

I haven't blogged in a month. It has been such a tough time in my life that blogging wasn't on my mind. I did forget how therapeutic it is to vent on this page as well as have fun.

It was a month ago today that I had to leave on emergency to be by my dying grandfather's side. I was told a week before that he had at most 6 months to live and here I was distraught leaving to see him not even 5 days later. He had surgery and was put on a ventilator which he did not want. Doctors did not expect him to wake up.

I left on the first flight out and took a cab straight to the hospital upon my arrival. My aunt pulled me aside and said brace yourself its not the same grandpa there are machines and tubes everywhere. He had just woken up from the surgery and was alert but he could not breathe on his own.

I am walking down the hall of intensive care unit and it was the longest walk of my life. I just kept getting images of my grandfather and myself throughout the years. I could not believe I was going to see him in a state that I never thought I would see. My heart is beating so fast I started to shake of fear and as I looked in the room, I quickly turned back around to catch my breath. I broke down and just could not find the strength to walk in there and show him that I was strong enough for both of us. I didn't know what to say to him.

I finally pulled together and walked in. I went straight to his side and he looked at me with the saddest eyes and lifted his hand to hold my hand, his eyes started to water and a piece of me started to die with him at that very moment. All I said was "I'm here grandpa and I love you more than I could every tell you." I assured him that everything was gonna be ok and he was gonna be home soon. I asked him if he was in pain and he shook his head no.

He was able to write what he wanted and at one point just asked if we could stay in the room on the side so he isnt alone. I stayed all day and spent the night there. All I could do is pray, pray that he is not suffering, pray that he can be at peace soon. That night I talked to God like I have never talked to him before and just wanted to know why he was taking him so quickly from me. I know I was blessed to have had him this long but I wanted to share more with him.

Things got worse and it was time to make a decision about taking him off life support. My poor grandmother had to make the decision and sign the papers. This is the 2nd time she has done this in her life. First with her daughter and now with her soul mate, I just can't explain where she pulled her strength to sign. It was what he wanted.

We all stood around and the nurses walked in to take out the breathing tube and I quickly went to his side and just held his hand. I wanted him to know that I was there and that he wasnt alone. When they took off the tube he squeezed my hand so tight and I just started to hold his head. I was holding him tight I didnt want to let him go, I couldn't, I cant. His eyes opened and his pupils rolled back to his head he made very frightening sounds and I just asked please do something. They gave him more morphine. I put my head next to him and said " Grandpa you can go, its time to rest, its time to be with your daughter." I kept telling him that I love him. He took his last breath and I knew it was his last breath.

My grandfather wrote a letter before he died and it was so beautiful. He wrote to my grandmother thanking her and God for being blessed by her love and that their souls belong to each other. He also wrote some amazing things about remembering him and that he is always with us. He also wrote about me, he said that he loves me so much like I could not imagine and that he prayed for me daily. He prayed that God is watching me in my life and he prayed that one day my family love and accept me for who I am.

I am completely broken! I am a changed person I feel like I have just lost a part of me and I don't know where to turn. I always knew that the day he died was gonna be hard but I never imagined it to be like this. I miss him terribly. I miss the man that called me Norrio, the man that always said in his broken English "You are my number one!", the man that always told me that "I look like a movie star", the man that told me that I have showed him more love than some of his own children and that he was so proud of me and proud to be my grandfather.

Saying goodbye was not easy it was truly the most difficult thing in I had to ever endure. I actually talked to him the night before for about an hour and I had a strong feeling about our conversation. I told him that I loved him and that he is my father, my idol, my soul. I thanked him for his wisdom and his support. I told him that when if I ever have a child he will know who Jesus Gonzalez was and what he meant to me. We were both crying and we said goodbye.

I am trying to cope with his death but I still can't talk about him with out crying. I still have the last image of him in my head, I still cry myself to sleep. I miss you grandpa! I need you!

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